Monday, October 31, 2011

Magazine Fuckery

So, I'm kind of a magazine junkie. Always have been. And being the deal junkie, I also get offers for really cheap subscriptions. So, last year I picked up a years worth of Natural Health thinking I'd enjoy the pictures of all the healthy foods I'd never get around to making, yoga poses I'd never do, and expensive products I'm too cheap to buy. I don't love the magazine. Its far too hippie-chic and consumer-centric. You can't save the planet by buying shit and you are more likely to improve your health by getting off your ass and going for a walk, than by buying some yuppie/hippie supplies in a stupid ad rag like Natural Health. But I like hippie food so I got the magazine.

Last week I am flipping through the latest issue, absentmindedly as always, and I see this photograph:

Seriously. I can take a lot of hipster-photographer fodder but really? A blonde on a vintage bike, with a basket of apples, plaid fedora, and A FUCKING PONCHO?? I mean, if I saw this broad pedaling through my neighborhood, I'd be hard pressed not to knock her down. JUST FOR FUN. With my car. Who comes up with this shit?

So then, my curiosity is piqued. What other acts of photographic douchery have I been unknowingly subjected to but just didn't notice. And that's when I found this:

Hot girl in a tank dress, cheeks-about-to-peek-out but it's cold enough for a wool coat, scarf, hat, and rubber boots.  Did she escape from an adult home somewhere? WHO DOES THAT??

Then there's this little piece of genius:

This was on a page of snippets-little notes about goofy stuff that magazines sometimes have near the front. The problem is that the only thing on the page that this photo could even come close to being related to was something about having to pee improving your attention span. So we have a hipster, reading a book, trying not to piss herself so she can concentrate better on the book? Then again, she looks about twelve so I'd just say "PUT THE BOOK DOWN AND GO TO THE BATHROOM BEFORE YOU PISS ON MY $3000 SOFA!!"

I guess she doesn't like winter-it fucks with her calf-tan lines.

Then there was the ad copy:

Doctor? Snake-oil peddler? With the 5 inch heels, Dr.'s coat, and kicky hat & pearls I'd bet there's a pole behind that lush, violet privacy curtain. See the lone 'client' waiting for her lap-dance product demonstration.

She looks real sweet but she's really just a well-off, well dressed, judgmental, canine-yogi. Tell me she doesn't look like one.

I just don't have the time or intestinal fortitude for this one:

Don Draper designed this ad, I'm sure of it. In 1962. The smiling. The rolled-up blue jeans. The 12 year old sitting on daddy's back. Even the dog knows what utter horseshit this is.

I was going to cancel the magazine. Now, I can't wait for my next Natural Health to show up. It's like Highlights Magazine for the Frau: find all the ridiculous crap you can and mock it on your blog.

What shitty magazines do you guys subscribe to? I might need to widen my scope.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

I stole this from someone but my timing is impeccable so its ok. Happy Halloween!!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Preggo-It's in there...

I’ve noticed a lot of pregnancy announcements on the facebooks lately.  Pregnancy is an amazing, beautiful, wonderful, life-affirming thing…especially when it happens to someone else and not you. Word.

Not that there aren’t nice things about being pregnant. A lot of people are nice to you and your body does some crazy shit that you were not aware it could do.    But there is a lot-and I mean a LOT- that most of us could do without-swelling, heartburn, pain, pee, moodiness, pee,  splotchiness, pee, mole production, and pee.  You’d better find some joy in something or its going to be a long 40 weeks.

But since I have been down that road a time or three, I thought I should pull out the Frau genius about how to be the best Preggo- Frau you can be. Trust me-you or someone you know will need this shit something fierce at some point in the near future.

10 random things to do when you are pregnant

Buy a Bella Band- The Bella Band is a doo-dad that allows you to ‘ease’ into maternity clothes and delay making the investment. It is possible to need two sizes during pregnancy so the longer you can wait to buy the bulk of your items, the better chance you have of only needing one size to get you through. Bella Band and tunic tops can take a mama far.

Enjoy letting your belly hang out and your giant Anna-Nicole rack. Take pictures to look at after they have deflated into the gym-socks-full-of-rocks you will carry with you for the rest of your days.

Although you probably don’t want to eat anything (other than your husband’s head), try, try, try to eat some good, healthy food-whole grains, fresh eggs, avocado, fruits & vegetables are your friends. That little fucker is sucking every good thing out of your body and you are responsible for putting it all back. After the birth, nothing really changes in this equation, literally or figuratively. Parenthood is a chronic, lifelong affliction. That’s what the booze is for.

Stop making plans for what you will ‘get done’ during maternity leave. Not going to happen. And it shouldn’t. Enjoy your time while you have it. Organizing your photos should not be a priority right now. If, after the baby is born, you find that it IS a priority, you should take the baby back because you suck at life and possibly motherhood. Just focus on caring for and resenting the little shit-maker like the rest of us normal mothers.

Enjoy using the toilet/shower/phone/vibrator without company and/or interruption.  Gone like Jimmy Hoffa-those days.

Shop for your own diaper bag-you’ll probably live with it for a long time. Think about your lifestyle and how it will fit into it. Resist the urge to buy a bag that would hold a weeks’ worth of baby shit-you’re just going to Target, for fuck's sake. If you go through more than 10 diapers and two outfits, you’re going to head home and start drinking anyway. It’s a big purse, not a small suitcase.

If you plan to nurse, pinch your nipples a lot to toughen them up. It won’t work, but hey…you got in some extra nipple-pinching in before the nipple-pinching comes to a screeching halt. Epic. Win.

Call all of your friends and tell them how much you’ll miss talking to them next year. 

Do your Kegels- we are talking about protecting your junk here-especially if you’ve chosen to go epidural. Think of it this way-if you can’t feel how much damage an 8lb baby stuck in the birth canal is doing to your plumbing, what motivation do you have to push that little squatter out?  Better have some Tony Little style man-gina muscles going on or you’ll end up spending much of your time in life pissing yourself. Not to mention the ‘hot-dog-in-a-hula-hoop’ situation abrewin’.

Work out some ‘division of labor’ plan with your spouse before the baby comes. That way everything will get done and everyone will be happy and there will be no conflict.  BWA-HAAHA-AAA-HAA…haaa…hoooo…ahem.

So there’s a to-do list for you. Like you didn’t have enough to get done before the baby comes-Damn thee Frau, damn thee.