Tackling Turkey

It's that time again. And I have become aware of a few Frau-friends that have never tackled turkey. If this is not you, you can skip it.

Talking Turkey
First you have to decide whether to buy a fresh or frozen turkey. Frozen turkeys are usually cheaper and that is the only one I have had experience with to date. Every year I plan to buy a heritage bird and every year I decide I’d rather save the money and be able to celebrate Christmas instead. Pollan can bite me on that one. At least for now.

Allow for 1 lb of turkey per person. I always buy a bigger bird than we need because we like leftovers and, eventually, turkey & dumplings.

Thawing the Bird
The USDA recommends thawing your turkey, over several days, in the refrigerator. If you shop early (and you should) this is your best, and safest, bet. Least amount of work, too. Use the following guidelines, straight from USDA(40 °F or below)

Allow approximately 24 hours for every 4 to 5 pounds
4 to 12 pounds 1 to 3 days
12 to 16 pounds 3 to 4 days
16 to 20 pounds 4 to 5 days
20 to 24 pounds 5 to 6 days

Keep the turkey in its original wrapper. Place it on a tray or in a pan to catch any juices that may leak. A thawed turkey can remain in the refrigerator for 1 to 2 days. If necessary, a turkey that has been properly thawed in the refrigerator may be refrozen. But that’s stupid…why would you do that? USDA also says you can thaw a turkey in the microwave but that’s disgusting AND stupid. I think we can all agree that the USDA is full of government assholes just waiting for the opportunity to ruin your holiday.

If things get crazy and you find that you can’t shop until later in the week, thaw your turkey using the water bath method. You can also use the water bath method if you are a moron that forgets that you have a 20 lb turkey to thaw. Been there multiple times. Wrap your turkey securely (I put mine inside a strong garbage bag). Submerge your wrapped turkey in cold tap water. Change the water every 30 minutes (HAHAHAHHAHAHA…what?) Cook the turkey immediately after it is thawed.

Submerge in Cold Water-Allow approximately 30 minutes per pound
4 to 12 pounds 2 to 6 hours
12 to 16 pounds 6 to 8 hours
16 to 20 pounds 8 to 10 hours
20 to 24 pounds 10 to 12 hours

So, this is basically a Thanksgiving morning thing, and while it can be done, it can also be a pain while you are trying to do other things. Plus, you will have to get up at dawn for a large turkey. Nice work.

Since I am both a forgetful and lazy Frau, for the last few years, I have combined the water bath method with the newly popularized brining process. Brining is not necessary but it makes me feel fancy and hip which I need since I am cooking an industrially produced franken-bird instead of a heritage Bourbon Red. And since I do it in a cooler, it also makes me feel kind of white-trash, which is a nice contrast to the fancy & hip. I am a complicated Frau.

On Monday, I buy the turkey or pull it from the freezer to have a few days in the fridge to thaw gently. Wednesday evening, I get my cleanest, small, ice chest, fill it half full of ice water. Dissolve 1 C kosher salt and ½ C brown sugar into a quart or so of warm water. Pour brining mixture into the ice chest. Remove the wrapper from the turkey.

VERY IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR BOTH VIRGIN AND SEASONED TURKEY AFICIONADOS
Do not forget to remove the giblets from the turkey cavity. They will usually be wrapped in a little packet of paper and placed inside the bird.
I have had the following proud moments:

1) The first time I cooked a turkey, I never even thought to look for a packet of giblets. So I cooked them, paper and all, right inside the turkey. Not always a huge problem but it can affect the flavor of the turkey, so avoid it.

2) I once searched and searched inside the cavity for the packet and never found it. I was convinced I had been robbed of my rightful giblets. The injustice! As it turns out, this company had stuffed the packet up in the other end instead of in the body cavity. Moral: If you don’t find it in one end, check the other.

3) I once forgot to take them out because I was in such a hurry to get the bird in the oven.

Allow the bird to chill (i.e. relax) in his ice bath in a cool place, turning every few hours, and adding more ice if necessary. No, you don’t need to get up in the night to do this. Just make sure there’s lots of ice in there before you go to bed.

Roasting Your Turkey
You really need a turkey roasting pan if you want great drippings for a better gravy. They are usually pretty cheap this time of year. Bed, Bath, & Beyond usually has decent ones for 15-30$. But, as always, buy the best one you can afford.

Remove the brined turkey and rinse inside & out with cold water. Place on the roasting rack. Now here is where you can add your own special touch depending on your tastes. In the past, I have done variations of the following:

Tucked fresh rosemary or sage sprigs under the skin; rubbed with olive oil & smoked salt; rubbed with softened butter; stuffed the inside of the bird with apples & oranges, or onions & garlic; basted with hard cider, regular cider, white wine, beer, and broth.

I don't stuff turkeys. Mushy. Gross. Questionable microbiology. More about stuffing methodology later.

Most years the turkey has come out very nicely no matter what I have done to it. However, for the last four years I have done the same thing and I doubt I will ever change it much.

Tuck herbs under the skin and rub the entire bird lightly with softened butter (or olive oil, if you prefer) & kosher or smoked salt. Toss a few onions, peeled & quartered, along with a few whole peeled garlic cloves in the cavity. Pour whatever kind of liquid you like, broth, cider, wine, beer into the bottom of the pan to prevent the drippings from burning. I have found I like broth & hard cider best. Place in a preheated, 500 degree oven for 30 minutes. Reduce heat to 325. Take the pan out of the oven and create an aluminum foil tent over the pan/bird. This will keep things moist & juicy for now. Roast according to the timetable below:

8 to 12 pounds 2 ¾ to 3 hours
12 to 14 pounds 3 to 3 ¾ hours
14 to 18 pounds 3 ¾ to 4 ¼ hours
18 to 20 pounds 4 ¼ to 4 ½ hours
20 to 24 pounds 4 ½ to 5 hours

Watch your liquid level and keep it sufficient to protect your drippings from scorching. You can baste every ½ hour or so if you want. But it’s really not required if you proceed with the next step.

Approximately 2 hours before you expect the bird to be done, remove the pan from the oven and remove the foil tent. Roast for 45 minutes to an hour to allow for some browning. Remove bird from oven and lay strips of thick cut bacon across the top of the bird, overlapping across the breast. I create a woven 'blanket o' bacon for this. Lay a few slices over the legs & thighs. Place back in the oven for the remaining time.

Ignore whatever pop up thermometer may have come with your turkey. They may or may not have been invented by extremists for the sole purpose of ruining Thanksgiving. After the bird has cooked for the recommended time, check the internal temp by inserting a food thermometer in the thickest part of the inner thigh and the thickest part of the breast without touching bone. When the internal temp has reached 155 to 160, take it out and let the bird rest. It will continue to cook and will reach the safe temp of 165.

The baco-basted turkey has been a huge hit. Only once has the timing been off where the bacon was overcooked due to a lagging turkey temperature. I think it was due to overzealous basting (i.e. opening the oven and wreaking havoc on your steady oven temp). If it looked like that was going to happen again, I would sacrifice the bacon to save the bird. Once the fat has rendered, it really has served its purpose from a culinary standpoint if not an aesthetic one.

So, that’s the bird-the toughest and scariest part of the whole deal. If this particular bird sounds too freaky for a first timer, just follow the cooking times and baste, baste, baste. But remember-bacon covers a multitude of sins.

A shopping list, more recipes, and master plan soon to follow. Pinky swear.