Thursday, September 23, 2010

A recipe for those extra special occasions-Rated PG-18

I’m too crabby to write a real post. Don’t judge me; it will be your turn soon enough.

On My Period Pie
Pie crust- graham, chocolate, shortbread whatever…it’s your period; I don’t pretend to know what your needs are.
Softened, high-quality ice cream- by high-quality I mean not crap: milk/cream, sugar, maybe eggs, chocolate, or nuts. Don’t screw up a perfectly decent pie with cheap, nasty ice cream.
Jar of Nutella
Two bananas
Package of Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies
Toasted hazelnuts if you don’t live in a shitty town in the Midwest with NARY A SINGLE DECENT GROCERY STORE WITH HAZELNUTS WITHIN 150 FRICKIN’ MILES.
Whipped cream if you are into that

Spread layer of Nutella over the bottom and sides of pie crust. Slice and layer bananas over the Nutella. Smoosh ice cream over banana layer.

Smash Milano cookies and hazelnuts to pieces. Sprinkle on top. Drizzle melted Nutella, criss-crossing the pie…would it kill you make something pretty once in a while?

Put back in freezer for a few hours to solidify. Or eat it now. I don’t care.

Calcium, Potassium, Magnesium, Fiber, Vitamin E, Folate, Protein, and Iron and you get to smash something in the process. But let’s face it…that’s all irrelevant and pointless. Just make the damn thing.

And you thought you were getting some schmaltzy, romantic dinner recipe. Please. Try to touch me and you’ll pull back a stump.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Who's the 3rd FAIR-est Frau of them all?

So, last week marked the beginning of the DuQuoin State Fair, which is the down-state version of the Illinois State Fair. Since I am not such a fan of deep-fried anything, livestock, and the mouth-breathing masses of fair-goers, this event would normally hold little appeal for me. However, the fair does have one event that I find irresistible; the Mystery Sack Cooking Contest.

It is as it sounds. Each contestant shows up with an electric skillet, utensils, and three 'spices or condiments of their choice.' You are handed a bag o' groceries chosen by the hosts of the contest. You have one hour to cook, name, and present to the judges a dish using at least some of all of the ingredients in the bag. Using your own ingredients is optional. After waffling all day about what to bring, I decided on my three ingredients: cream, butter, and dijon mustard (thanks to all of the facebook friend Fraus for the suggestions.) The first year, I showed up having forgotten that you often need things like mixing bowls to prepare a meal. This year, I brought half of my kitchen, just to be sure. This Frau was prepared for anything...until I got my bag o groceries. This year the bag contained:

polish smoked sausage
one new potato
a cup of water
about 1/2 c of oil
salt & pepper
a baggie of shredded cheese
a baggie of tortilla chips (emcee kept pronouncing the hard-L...Tor-tiLL-a)
an orange
a red bell pepper
1/4 head of cabbage
a can of beenie weenies
and 5 oreos

I said an 'F' word and trust me, it wasn't 'Frau.' But with only an hour, you can't cry over dropped F-bombs. I set to work steaming lengthwise slices of new potato while I chopped and thought. Hard.

I hate oreos and beenie weenies. Gross. What the hell am I supposed to do with that?

But as it turned out, I am a pretty clever Frau, in the kitchen, anyway. After my potato was steamed I proceeded to:

Melt butter and scraped-out insides of oreos to create a sweet syrup-set aside.

Sauteed bell pepper and sausage. Smashed beenie weenies to a paste. Added potato and cream. Mixed in small amount of beenie-weenie paste (Asian chefs everywhere cringe) which helped to thicken. Topped with cheese and crushed Tor-tiLL-as, baked in the skillet until done. Meanwhile, I sliced the cabbage razor thin, tossed with a citrus vinaigrette of orange juice, oil, and dijon mustard. Remaining cream was whipped to stiff peaks, and oreo syrup and crushed cookies were mixed in. I presented 'Porky's Skillet Bake, Citrus Dijon Slaw, and Oreo Cookie Cloud' to the judges.

I won third place and 20 bucks. Not bad for haute cuisine on the fly, including beenie weenies. Gross.