Monday, October 31, 2011

Magazine Fuckery

So, I'm kind of a magazine junkie. Always have been. And being the deal junkie, I also get offers for really cheap subscriptions. So, last year I picked up a years worth of Natural Health thinking I'd enjoy the pictures of all the healthy foods I'd never get around to making, yoga poses I'd never do, and expensive products I'm too cheap to buy. I don't love the magazine. Its far too hippie-chic and consumer-centric. You can't save the planet by buying shit and you are more likely to improve your health by getting off your ass and going for a walk, than by buying some yuppie/hippie supplies in a stupid ad rag like Natural Health. But I like hippie food so I got the magazine.

Last week I am flipping through the latest issue, absentmindedly as always, and I see this photograph:

Seriously. I can take a lot of hipster-photographer fodder but really? A blonde on a vintage bike, with a basket of apples, plaid fedora, and A FUCKING PONCHO?? I mean, if I saw this broad pedaling through my neighborhood, I'd be hard pressed not to knock her down. JUST FOR FUN. With my car. Who comes up with this shit?

So then, my curiosity is piqued. What other acts of photographic douchery have I been unknowingly subjected to but just didn't notice. And that's when I found this:

Hot girl in a tank dress, cheeks-about-to-peek-out but it's cold enough for a wool coat, scarf, hat, and rubber boots.  Did she escape from an adult home somewhere? WHO DOES THAT??

Then there's this little piece of genius:

This was on a page of snippets-little notes about goofy stuff that magazines sometimes have near the front. The problem is that the only thing on the page that this photo could even come close to being related to was something about having to pee improving your attention span. So we have a hipster, reading a book, trying not to piss herself so she can concentrate better on the book? Then again, she looks about twelve so I'd just say "PUT THE BOOK DOWN AND GO TO THE BATHROOM BEFORE YOU PISS ON MY $3000 SOFA!!"

I guess she doesn't like winter-it fucks with her calf-tan lines.

Then there was the ad copy:

Doctor? Snake-oil peddler? With the 5 inch heels, Dr.'s coat, and kicky hat & pearls I'd bet there's a pole behind that lush, violet privacy curtain. See the lone 'client' waiting for her lap-dance product demonstration.

She looks real sweet but she's really just a well-off, well dressed, judgmental, canine-yogi. Tell me she doesn't look like one.

I just don't have the time or intestinal fortitude for this one:

Don Draper designed this ad, I'm sure of it. In 1962. The smiling. The rolled-up blue jeans. The 12 year old sitting on daddy's back. Even the dog knows what utter horseshit this is.

I was going to cancel the magazine. Now, I can't wait for my next Natural Health to show up. It's like Highlights Magazine for the Frau: find all the ridiculous crap you can and mock it on your blog.

What shitty magazines do you guys subscribe to? I might need to widen my scope.


melissa said...

I'm wholly disturbed. For many reasons. But mostly because the crotch of the girl trying not to pee herself in the yellow shorts seems to be smiling.

randomhausfrau said...

Oh god...I hadn't noticed that. Damn you, Soup-wench!

Sydney Ambos said...

Her crotch may be smiling on the outside, but on the inside, it's crying for help.