I’ve noticed a lot of pregnancy announcements on the facebooks lately. Pregnancy is an amazing, beautiful, wonderful, life-affirming thing…especially when it happens to someone else and not you. Word.
Not that there aren’t nice things about being pregnant. A lot of people are nice to you and your body does some crazy shit that you were not aware it could do. But there is a lot-and I mean a LOT- that most of us could do without-swelling, heartburn, pain, pee, moodiness, pee, splotchiness, pee, mole production, and pee. You’d better find some joy in something or its going to be a long 40 weeks.
But since I have been down that road a time or three, I thought I should pull out the Frau genius about how to be the best Preggo- Frau you can be. Trust me-you or someone you know will need this shit something fierce at some point in the near future.
Buy a Bella Band- The Bella Band is a doo-dad that allows you to ‘ease’ into maternity clothes and delay making the investment. It is possible to need two sizes during pregnancy so the longer you can wait to buy the bulk of your items, the better chance you have of only needing one size to get you through. Bella Band and tunic tops can take a mama far.
Enjoy letting your belly hang out and your giant Anna-Nicole rack. Take pictures to look at after they have deflated into the gym-socks-full-of-rocks you will carry with you for the rest of your days.
Although you probably don’t want to eat anything (other than your husband’s head), try, try, try to eat some good, healthy food-whole grains, fresh eggs, avocado, fruits & vegetables are your friends. That little fucker is sucking every good thing out of your body and you are responsible for putting it all back. After the birth, nothing really changes in this equation, literally or figuratively. Parenthood is a chronic, lifelong affliction. That’s what the booze is for.
Stop making plans for what you will ‘get done’ during maternity leave. Not going to happen. And it shouldn’t. Enjoy your time while you have it. Organizing your photos should not be a priority right now. If, after the baby is born, you find that it IS a priority, you should take the baby back because you suck at life and possibly motherhood. Just focus on caring for and resenting the little shit-maker like the rest of us normal mothers.
Enjoy using the toilet/shower/phone/vibrator without company and/or interruption. Gone like Jimmy Hoffa-those days.
Shop for your own diaper bag-you’ll probably live with it for a long time. Think about your lifestyle and how it will fit into it. Resist the urge to buy a bag that would hold a weeks’ worth of baby shit-you’re just going to Target, for fuck's sake. If you go through more than 10 diapers and two outfits, you’re going to head home and start drinking anyway. It’s a big purse, not a small suitcase.
If you plan to nurse, pinch your nipples a lot to toughen them up. It won’t work, but hey…you got in some extra nipple-pinching in before the nipple-pinching comes to a screeching halt. Epic. Win.
Call all of your friends and tell them how much you’ll miss talking to them next year.
Do your Kegels- we are talking about protecting your junk here-especially if you’ve chosen to go epidural. Think of it this way-if you can’t feel how much damage an 8lb baby stuck in the birth canal is doing to your plumbing, what motivation do you have to push that little squatter out? Better have some Tony Little style man-gina muscles going on or you’ll end up spending much of your time in life pissing yourself. Not to mention the ‘hot-dog-in-a-hula-hoop’ situation abrewin’.
Work out some ‘division of labor’ plan with your spouse before the baby comes. That way everything will get done and everyone will be happy and there will be no conflict. BWA-HAAHA-AAA-HAA…haaa…hoooo…ahem.
So there’s a to-do list for you. Like you didn’t have enough to get done before the baby comes-Damn thee Frau, damn thee.
3 comments:
Sigh.... all too true...but I have long since outgrown the use of bella bands....unless I start wearing them as tube tops. That would be teh sexy, right??
My purse is already a small suitcase. I imagine the diaper bag will need wheels.
I love how you can take the horrendous/stressful/unavoidable moments in life and turn then into a stand up routine.
Good thing I do my Kegels or I would have pissed myself laughing at these. You really should write a book. I know I'd buy it!
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